Sam's Confession
by Lalinka
Summary: What did Sam say in the confessional? Set in 8x23 Sacrifice, could be read as both Wincest and Gen,


Sam's Confession

Sam stepped to the old confessional and kneeled down. He really did have no idea how to start. He wanted to say so much, but how to bring himself to do it, when he knew there was no one listening on the other end of the line?

"Okay..."

He cleared his throat.

„So, uh, if anyone's listening, here it goes:

Forgive me, for I have sinned. I, uh, last time I did this i was like six? We were staying with Pastor Jim at that time…well, whole lotta's changed since then," Sam laughed bitterly.

"I'm gonna skip out the part, where i threw gums on my classmates in the fifth grade. But I do wanna apologize to Barry Cook and Dirk McGregor from Truman High. I feel responsible for their deaths, even though they were suicides.

Especially, I want to apologize to Jessica. Jess, if you can hear me, I'm sorry for ever meeting you in the first place. I _know_ I am the reason you are dead now and even though I am eternally grateful for the best four years of my life, I wish you had never met me. I wish you were alive," Sam blinked away his tears and whispered quietly, even though he was sure no one, not even Crowley could hear him.

He took a deep breath and continued:

„There's so many people, who are dead because of me and i could spend days just naming them. Sarah, Jenny, Adam… I'm sorry, all of you. Believe me, I would do anything, _everything_, to bring you back. Bobby, dad…" Sam had to pause a little here.

„Dad I'm so sorry for picking all those fights and doing everything in spite of you. I can see now, that you always had the best intentions in your mind for us. I wish we didn't have to live this life, but now that I know that we do, I understand you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for taking mom away from you."

A one lonely tear finally found its way from Sam's eye and he wiped it away quickly.

„I wish I got to know you, mom… So basically, I confess my guilt of being responsible for most, if not every of the deaths in my life. And, sadly, this was just the beginning of my wrong-doings…"

"Dean," he whispered with a shaky voice, „I kinda wish you could hear me and I'm glad you can't at the same time, because I can't seem to be able to say this out loud, when you're around. I don't even want to count all the times I've done you wrong," Sam actually bowed his head and intertwined his fingers as though he was praying.

„It seems to me that I've been letting you down from the moment I was born. I mean, mom died because of me, which ruined dad to the point, that he didn't even realize the weight he was putting on your shoulders, when he was leaving you in charge of me times and times again.

And you never even once complained about it. I think every other big brother in your position would hate their younger siblings, because of the way their fathers treat them. Not you. You loved me, every step of the way. And I guess I've been taking the love and the caring for granted, because now that it's gone, I miss it more than anything.

You sacrificed _everything_ for the sake of me. You stopped being a child, when you were four, but you made sure I had kept my childhood's innocence at least twice as long. And I repaid you by fucking things up big time.

It started with leaving you for Standford. I should have called you every once in a while to check on you. I should have let you know, that I cared about you. Maybe I shouldn't have left at all.

But I sure as hell shouldn't have made you feel like my life is worth anything more than yours. I don't know when or how did that happen, but I am truly sorry for that. If it wasn't for me, you would have _never_ gone to hell and so many things wouldn't have happened.

Obviously, I wish I had never trusted Ruby. I'm sorry for that too, but not only because it started the Apocalypse, but because now, given the opportunity, I see what it feels like to watch your own brother turning to a monster instead of you. Forgive me for putting you through that, if you can."

Tears were now staining Sam's cheeks and his voice was barely audible.

"There's a reason the angels chose you as the vessel of the greatest one of them and me as the cast out, supposed to be beaten. You're the better one out of us two, even if sometimes you think otherwise.

I'm sorry for ruining what you had with Lisa. I might not be held responsible for the actions I've made soulless, but I still feel guilty about that one. You deserved to be happy with her.

I'm also honestly sorry for not looking for you while you were in Purgatory. I actually _was_ going to, but I had no idea where to start and then I met Amelia and it felt like a sign, you know? I kept hearing your voice in the back of my mind telling me to live my life and be happy. I honestly thought that's what you would have wanted. I'm sorry if it made you feel like you weren't worth my efforts, cause it's never been like that.

I'm so sorry I haven't been the brother you wanted me to be, the brother you deserve to have. Had I been given the chance, I would do my best to prove myself to you. But I guess I'm all out of chances, huh?

The truth is, you are and always have been the most important person in my life, whether we like it or not. And my greatest sin was ever making you feel like I'd forgotten that.

I love you, Dean, I always have, always will. Forgive me, if you can.

Amen.


End file.
